My pain is more of a psychological thing. It’s when you let things get into your head – things which aren’t suppose to be inside your mind.
Night and day, from dusk to dawn, painful things haunt me. Every single day, I face a bloodless struggle, warding off memories that try to torment my head. It’s like I’m trying to defend myself from things which I couldn’t even see until it hits me.
I’m sick and tired of waking up every morning doing the same routine over and over again. Who wouldn’t be when I’d been doing it for the past 12 years of my fucking life?!
Yeah! Did anyone care?? Did anyone bother to listen to my agony?? Did anyone even care to wipe a tear on my face?? Did someone even care to pick me up when I was down?? Did someone care?? NO ONE!
No one even looked me in the eyes and tell me that I’m a liar whenever I say I’m okay! No one even care to give me a hug whenever I say that everything’s perfectly fine! Not a single person ever bothered to ask me if I was even all right!
Friends?? Yeah right! I knew a lot of people but none of them ever made me feel that I was appreciated. All I ever did was to follow them around, laugh with them, eat with them, listen to them, but in the end, I’ve always been the outcast; the only one who gets remembered once reminded; the one who gets left out; the one who gets treated as if I’m a non-existing being; the one who gets less the attention.
But somehow, I’m used to it; being the lesser person in the group. Being completely ignored is not new to me. In fact, I’ve live my life having my mere existence ignored anyway. We’re all friends, but by the end f the day, I’m still a fucking loner.
No matter how many things are there that I want to tell them, I couldn’t open my mouth to do it. It’s because it’s either they’re too preoccupied to listen or that they won’t understand a single word from it.
Looking back, all i could see is this boy i’d shared a rather mutual bond with. He was my crush back then, yet i found him more likely of an older brother. I liked him. I really liked him a lot! Unfortunately, he already had a girlfriend even before. I was aware of it yet i still let myself fall for him. I felt like an idiot but i couldn’t do anything about what i feel. I just kept it to myself. I didn’t want him to know either because i was too afraid that he would left me. I didn’t want that! Even just for a friend i wanted to keep him..to be with him…to laugh with him…and to fall for him.
Even though we weren’t that close in person, we still spent so much fun talking to each other on the phone. We would make fun with each other and throw jokes and stuffs like that. We never really got bored arguing about nonsense things. It was really fun honestly.
I guess we were able to spent time really with each other only on occasional. The last time i was with him was about 5 months ago. It was the 2nd time i saw him after a whole year since we graduated high school and i could still remember how wild we were back at the restaurant, though it was my treat! >.< We were doing nothing but silly things, acting like mindless kids! i was wishing that day won’t pass by!
Now, after all we’d been through, he still left me! or was it the other way around? i had to go after that day to study in another place. So, actually, i was the one who left him. But, i didn’t really. Everyday, i would text him, and so as he. But lately, he haven’t talk. The last time we did, we even had an argument and since then he never text me again.
I really missed him. T_T