Dear LIFE

Guess what!? You won! I’m completely miserable! Hope you’re enjoying the sight of me cutting myself like this! It hurts but the pain is nothing compare to anything I’ve felt before! I’m already used to physical pain and torture.

 

I always believed that I can live all throughout your nasty games! That time could heal all this wounds. Guess I couldn’t! In the end, here I am wounding myself even more. And I always thought that I’ll never be this kind of girl.

 

I’m really sick of crying. Sick of looking at my reflection in the mirror. Sick of waking up every morning. Sick of lying to myself that I’m okay. Sick of believing in what I believe in. sick of concealing this fucking pain. Sick of living. Sick of hoping. Sick of being with people. I’m just too sick to be in this world.

 

I’m already tired. My mind, my body, my soul. All I want to do now is to rest… to be in deep slumber… to be completely still. These pain has left me completely vulnerable, afraid and weak. I couldn’t feel any hunger nor thirst, just too must exhaustion.

 

I’ve watched many losses in my life, and all my life I’ve fought the urge to give in to pain. Now here I am, completely broken into pieces. I don’t know how to glue everything together; I’m just standing over the shattered bits of my past and present, watching random people passing by.

 

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Aside

My pain is more of a psychological thing. It’s when you let things get into your head – things which aren’t suppose to be inside your mind.

 

Night and day, from dusk to dawn, painful things haunt me. Every single day, I face a bloodless struggle, warding off memories that try to torment my head. It’s like I’m trying to defend myself from things which I couldn’t even see until it hits me.

 

I’m sick and tired of waking up every morning doing the same routine over and over again. Who wouldn’t be when I’d been doing it for the past 12 years of my fucking life?!

 

Yeah! Did anyone care?? Did anyone bother to listen to my agony?? Did anyone even care to wipe a tear on my face?? Did someone even care to pick me up when I was down?? Did someone care?? NO ONE!

 

No one even looked me in the eyes and tell me that I’m a liar whenever I say I’m okay! No one even care to give me a hug whenever I say that everything’s perfectly fine! Not a single person ever bothered to ask me if I was even all right!

 

Friends?? Yeah right! I knew a lot of people but none of them ever made me feel that I was appreciated. All I ever did was to follow them around, laugh with them, eat with them, listen to them, but in the end, I’ve always been the outcast; the only one who gets remembered once reminded; the one who gets left out; the one who gets treated as if I’m a non-existing being; the one who gets less the attention.

 

But somehow, I’m used to it; being the lesser person in the group. Being completely ignored is not new to me. In fact, I’ve live my life having my mere existence ignored anyway. We’re all friends, but by the end f the day, I’m still a fucking loner.

 

No matter how many things are there that I want to tell them, I couldn’t open my mouth to do it. It’s because it’s either they’re too preoccupied to listen or that they won’t understand a single word from it.

 

Random Thoughts

I live not by chance…but of choice.

…a choice that someone else made for me. Just damn right?

 

No matter how i want to shout it to the world I just couldn’t because people always have something to say about it.

For once, can I just make a complain??

I’m really tired living a life where everyone else is trying to manipulate it. the way I act. The way I think. Even the way I look. People always trying to mess with my emotions and decisions.

For once, can I freely make a mistake and be human??

I’m sick of trying to be the best to please everyone. The best friend. The best student. the best person. Because I’m not! But i couldn’t because making a mistake was never an option. In the end, I’ve live a life of lies. I’m a liar. A complete liar. I lie to myself. I lie to my friends. I lie to everyone.

For once, can I shed a tear and be weak??

Again, I couldn’t because everyone is watching, anticipating for me to give up. Deep inside, I’m shattered. I’m broke. I’m ruined. But i just couldn’t let it show. I have to stay still and keep my self from falling.

For once, can I just be a human being???

 

[NEWS/SCANDAL/REVIEW] Baekhyun and Taeyeon Dating Scandal is Fake!

Fairytale Beyond Reality

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Three days ago, my friend told me about this Baekhyun-Taeyeon dating photos. At first, I didn’t even give a single glance to that photo. “That hoax and bullshit thing,” is what I said to her.

But, then, SM Entertainment confimed it! BLAAAAAM!!! My world fell apart at that very moment.

I went straight home. And I felt nothing. I looked at EXO folder in my laptop and I cried. Just like that. It hurts, but I didn’t even know why I should feel that way. I like Taeyeon. I adore SNSD a lot. It means I should have not hated her. And it’s true; I don’t even feel that way. So, why should I cry?

It had happened for two days. I didn’t even look up for the news and even for the source or magazine that created the news.

But, then, yesterday.. I found out that the source of…

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